MINNEAPOLIS — Proving once and for all that he is a strong, incorruptible leader who takes orders from no one, Minneapolis mayor Jacob Frey has courageously rejected Chief Medaria Arradondo’s offer to tuck him in tonight.
“Enough is enough. The police department does not run this city” said Frey in a stern and determined tone, “Mr. Arradondo, with all due respect: I think I’ll tuck myself in tonight, thank you very much.”
In addition to refusing to be tucked in, Frey demanded in no uncertain terms that Arradondo refrain from serving him a glass of warm milk or a strawberry melatonin gummy like he usually does on work nights. The mayor also insisted that he would read a few pages of “Danny The Duck ” himself tonight despite not remembering at what point in the book Arradondo had left off last night.
“As a servant of the people of Minneapolis, I respect the mayor’s decision,” said Arradondo, “at the same time, I’m still here in case Jakey wakes up in the middle of the night with that recurring dream he has where all the mean people on Twitter show up to his house and take turns spanking him silly.”
Frey reportedly thanked Arradondo for cooperating with his new hands-off governing style by planning to give the police $20 million more in 2022’s budget.
At press time, Frey was on the phone with former police union president Bob Kroll, asking if he could maybe stop by later, and sing him a few lullabies if he’s not busy or anything.