General Mills Shut Down After Several Contest Winners Injured in Freak Accidents on Tour


Consumers are demanding answers from General Mills after several children were tragically injured on a tour of their St. Louis Park factory earlier this week. The children had all been winners of the recent “Golden Tourpass” contest, wherein five random boxes of General Mills cereal contained  a prize-winning golden leaf of paper inside, allowing the finder access to the factory and a lifetime supply of cereal.

According to first-hand accounts, the tour started off with a view of the factory floor, led by company president General H.D. Mills. Unfortunately, the space was not filled with sterile machinery, but was an entirely edible verdant meadow. “My son went to look at the honey nut river,” said Helga Sahne, mother of one of the injured children. “He leaned in to take a drink, and giant bees came to protect the honey! Mills didn’t warn us about them, and my poor boy fell into the stream. He was stuck in that honey for hours before the workers were able to get him out.”

Though tragedy had struck, the tour moved on. “We were in the Monsters Cereal division,” said Tom Erikson, another of the afflicted’s parents. “My daughter grabbed a handful of cereal, because the Halloween cereals are her favorite. Then she started to turn purple, and her body inflated into a blob, and then she floated away. They said she turned into a Boo Berry, which is weird because we’re more of a Count Chocula family.”

Finally the most perplexing case was that of the final victim. “After everything we had seen, I just wanted to get out of there,” said Molly Radio, the final victim’s mother. “We ended up walking by the Trix room. There was a rabbit in there, digging small fruits out of the ground. The workers would take them before he could eat any. Well, my son felt bad and gave him some of the cereal  Which made the rabbit go mad and drag my son away. Why didn’t anyone warn me that we shouldn’t let that rabbit have any Trix?!”

The final contestant managed to escape unharmed, and is currently safe with his family. The factory was shut down by investigators, and General Mills is in police custody, charged with child endangerment, several health code violations, and hundreds of charges of forging documentation for his undocumented work force of Leprechauns in the Lucky Charms department.