WHITE BEAR LAKE — Grabbing his trusty gold and maroon whip, Jackson Miller utters the traditional football blessing “Go Gophs!” before violently striking his back. He and millions of fans take part in this dark ritual to mentally and physically prepare their bodies for disappointment.
“Every year you – ouch – just gotta – oh heck – prepare, you know?” He says, every other word punctuated by sharp sounds of polite pain.
“Like this is – oh jeez – honestly just part of the season – unngh – at this point.”. Although some consider it bizarre, Miller just assumes the skeptics are Badgers fans.
“Don’t – oh heck – listen to the riff raff ok? Ooooooope – this is like tailgating or crying after the loss – oh gosh – this is just part of being a Gophers fan – Go – oh my stars – Gophers!”