Hormel Introduces New Ethically Produced SPAM Made Solely Of Pigs That Deserved It

Original photo by Philip Chapman-Bell

AUSTIN — In an effort to cater to an increasingly morally conscious public, Hormel has announced it is introducing “Guilt-free SPAM” a new ethically produced SPAM made entirely of pigs that deserved it.

The label on each tin of Guilt-free SPAM will give a brief description of the crimes each hog contained within committed such as: biting children, hogging prime mud puddles, stealing corn cobs, or truffle-embezzlement. 

“Consumers can rest easy knowing that all the pigs in Guilt-free SPAM were duly convicted and sentenced to death by a non-biased tribunal. All innocent pigs are sent home,” said Hormel CEO Jim Snee, adding in a hushed tone, “…where they’ll be put in a can of regular SPAM.”

Animal rights activists and environmentalists are calling the announcement a move in the right direction. 

“While we would love to see a meatless version of SPAM like Impossible or Beyond meat,”said activist Kendra Simpson. “it’s good to know that these pigs are irredeemable bastards that got what’s coming to them,” 

Hormel says they will also introduce a Medium Guilt SPAM variety containing pigs that didn’t necessarily do anything evil but wasted their lives, dying from fireworks accidents and stupidly copying WWE stunts at home.