BROOKLYN CENTER — Conservative long-time Brooklyn Center resident Mike Baker, 38, angrily blamed the recent passing of major police reform for his woes today, yelling “I guess this is what happens when you defund the police” after accidentally slamming the driver’s side door of his 2019 Toyota Tundra on three of his fingers.
“This sort of thing never used to happen before [Mayor Mike] Elliot gave in to the angry mob!” said Baker while freeing his hand and kicking his vehicle’s front tire in frustration, nearly breaking his big toe, “without the police, I swear, it’s non-stop chaos out here!”
Sources say Baker then attempted to nurse his injured foot but lost his balance, falling on his back with a loud thud.
“Wow! Are you happy now, libs? This is the world you get for letting down our boys in blue when they needed you most!” howled Baker as he tried to get back to his feet by grabbing his truck’s chrome running board, which, piping hot from the midday sun, burned the fingertips of his good hand.
“A real socialist utopia, huh?,” Baker added sarcastically.
Baker was finally able to stand back up, only to immediately tear the seat of his tan slacks as he bent over to dust off his knees, all the while muttering to himself something about good guys with guns.
At press time, Baker had finally gotten into his vehicle and was on the way to his job at the Department of Justice.