I Lived It: I Turned Into Mad Max After Using a Lime E-Bike on the Greenway
Photo by Elvert Barnes
MINNEAPOLIS – My name is Evie Landers. I am here to tell you that I tried a Lime E-bike for the first time and am never coming back.
It was a hot, humid Saturday on the Mall. McDonald’s wrappers and empty Caribou cups blew across the concrete. Feeling solitary and gross, I was looking for a casual workout after my daily Amazon truck watching session. As I emerged from the Lunds parking lot I saw it…a lone Lime E-bike standing on the sidewalk.
I had always wanted to try one, but, like, I wasn’t sure how.
Confident I figured it out, I hopped on and hobbled toward the Greenway. It started beeping immediately and five-year-old children on tricycles jeered. After forty-five minutes of messing with the app, I finally figured out why the cycle wouldn’t shut the hell up.
I started pedaling and the bike gave a tiny jolt of speed. I was scared at first. What if I couldn’t stop it? But then I felt giddy, free. I pedaled faster and soon I was flying down the path, throwing off my pink Hello Kitty helmet and elbow pads.
I felt a sudden urge to collect discarded Popeye’s bones and turn them into weapons. On the side I found some plastic bags, leather scraps, and roadkill and made myself a killer ensemble. I started hiding under bridges to ambush couples on first dates and pilfer their CamelBak water bottles. Why should they get all the water?!
Evie is now dead. My new name is Malicious the Blitz Beast. I am five feet of wrath and velocity. Together with my gang of grandpas training for 10Ks we battle organic gardeners and steal from rich millennials in pools. Me and my adorable green basket, er, SKULL SILO, own this road and will challenge anyone who says differently.
If you want to find me, look for me on the Midtown Greenway going east.
Tell my cats I said hi.
Catherine Hansen started contributing to The Nordly in 2019. In December 2022, she created the audio play Innkeeping for Blight Christmas III podcast. In August 2022, Catherine debuted a new story The Great Room for Wordslingers Way at CONvergence. She is currently developing some comedy sketches, plays, screenplays, and digital experiences. More of her work can be found here: https://minnesotaplaylist.com/talent/catherine-hansen