Jesse Ventura Gifts Tim Walz Map of Capitol’s Secret Underground Labyrinth, Enchanted Crossbow ‘Just in Case’


Former Governor Jesse Ventura held a surprise policy meeting with Governor-elect Tim Walz at Walz’s private residence early Monday morning. Ventura arrived unannounced in Walz’s bedroom at 3 AM, as the politician slept. Awaking to the sound of a striking match, Walz arose to Ventura standing ominously at the foot of the bed, lighting a large Cuban cigar. After exchanging niceties and a few frightened shrieks on the part of Walz, the two convened a makeshift summit in which Ventura apologized for having forgotten to mention an important matter at their earlier November 13th talk.

At this point, Ventura solemnly removed his Rock & Roll Hall of Fame branded baseball cap and carefully handed Walz what he claimed was a map of the State Capitol’s secret underground labyrinth, drawn hastily on a napkin. When Walz asked about the mysterious map’s origins, he was swiftly silenced by a visibly distraught Ventura who repeatedly explained “there’s no time to explain”.

The former governor then reached into his waterproof, hemp dufflebag and retrieved an ancient enchanted crossbow. Ventura bestowed it upon Walz, explaining only that the weapon glows “bright as the North Star” when near “sons of the devil”. Ventura added that he hoped it would never  to be used but that the governor-elect should have it on him at all times “just in case”.

The astonished Walz, unable to take all of this in, begged to know more but Ventura bowed his head and whispered “this is something you’ll have to learn for yourself”. A gust of wind overtook the room and as suddenly as he had arrived, Ventura was gone. In his place at the foot of the bed was a business card with a link to a four hour YouTube video about lizard people.