Minnesota is known as the land of 10,000 lakes, where the winters are freezing and the summers are moist with humidity. But currently the area is facing a dry spell that has left it ashy as fuck.
“These streets need some damn lotion!” said Minneapolis caretaker Amber DePaul. “Minnesota does not look cute right now, it looks dry as hell. I’m disgusted!”
The drought is causing low water levels in Minnesota, endangering farmers’ crops and leaving the state vulnerable to severe roasting from unsentimental aunties.
“The summer is usually the time where I tend to my garden and start harvesting my vegetables,” said Uptown resident Julia Brekz. “But now I’ve been spending my time trying to figure out who’s gonna moisturize this beige ass grass. Lookin’ like elderly Grinch fur and shit.”
As drought conditions continue some Minneapolis residents might have to undergo water restrictions, causing Northside resident DeAndre Stevens to give an opinion some say was harsh.
“If climate change wasn’t on the rise due to large emissions of greenhouse gases we wouldn’t have to conserve water cuz the state wouldn’t be as hot as the devil’s breath and lookin like a bowl of dry oats right now,” Stevens said inside a circle of friends who were hyping him up. “Ol’ dusty ass!”
At press time there were reports of different city streets covered in products like aloe vera, cocoa butter, and several different types of ointments.