With Thanksgiving Day fast approaching, Rochester resident Ben Neilsen is busy mentally preparing himself for the exhausting debate that will inevitably arise around the dinner table over whether or not the titular ogre from Shrek (2001) and its various sequels can get it.
“Don’t get me wrong, I love my family but whenever we get together in close quarters it doesn’t take long before Uncle Jim is yelling about how he’d give anything for a single night in the arms of that thicc green Adonis,” said Neilsen, 29, “and then you can bet Aunt Carol will go off about how Lord Farquaad is the real sexpot. From there, it’s off to the races”.
Nearly every Neilsen Family Thanksgiving dinner in recent memory has quickly devolved into a bitter argument over the degree of Shrek’s so-called “fuckability”. In 2013, Grandma Alice’s priceless vase was knocked off it’s shelf during a particularly heated scuffle between Uncles Dave and Larry who disagreed about whether the human version of Shrek briefly featured in Shrek 2 (2004) made them more or less horny than his ordinary incarnation. In 2015, things seemed to be cooling down until Great Grandma Dorothy, 101 years old at the time, broke her years-long silence and declared Shrek “a mere 3/10”, throwing the family back into chaos.
“Last year, I tried to preemptively shift the conversation towards something calmer by asking everyone what they think about the President,” said Neilsen, “things went pretty well until someone mentioned ‘draining the swamp’ and within seconds, the conversation was on Shrek’s sensuous curves slathered in hot mud.”
To make matters even more tenuous, this year’s festivities will be held at Uncle Jim’s house – one of the family’s most zealous believers in Shrek’s bangin’ body. “If he wears his ‘Shrek Is A Sex God’ hat, its all over” said Neilsen, sighing heavily. “I’ll have to show up early to put a plastic tarp around the dining room because food will definitely be thrown”.
As to whether or not he himself would ‘make the beast with two backs’ with the fictional swamp-dweller, Ben insisted that whatever his personal proclivities, Thanksgiving was neither the time nor place to discuss them, adding “but yes, of course I would. Are you kidding?”