MINNEAPOLIS — Minneapolis Mayor Jacob Frey called an emergency press conference this morning to announce that he has been visited by three ghosts, all of whom have asked him to cut the Minneapolis Police Department budget.
“It all began with a dream that I was speaking with Betsy Hodges, who warned me that three spirits would arrive to show me the error of my ways,” said Frey, still clad in his stocking cap and nightie.
Frey went on to detail how he was first awoken by the Spirit of Mayors Past, who allegedly showed Frey visions of himself as a younger man practicing civil rights law. He was reportedly touched by the specter of himself as an energetic and progressive attorney who wanted to make a positive change in the world. An hour later, he awoke again, this time to a jolly spirit who claimed to be the Spirit of Mayors Present.
“I walked through the city with this spectral constituent, and we saw my citizens as they slept on benches in the freezing cold, as they tried to budget for Christmas dinner after being out of work for months, and as they struggled to care for the sick and dying. He showed me that apparently there’s a lot of things that the city budget could pay for instead of riot gear and guns,” said Frey to the press.
Finally, Mayor Frey was visited by the silent Spirit of Mayors Future, who showed him visions of a city where the cash-flow of the Minneapolis Police Department remains unchecked.
“All I can say about this last visit is that Bob Kroll should never, ever, be in possession of that many skulls,” Frey commented to reporters, “Especially not mine.”
“These spirits have opened my eyes to so much. I am listening, I am learning, and I stand in solidarity with the people of my city.”
When asked about what concrete plans Mayor Frey had to reduce MPD’s budget, Frey shouted “God bless us, everyone”.