Report: Compared To Everything Else Wisconsin Has Going On Raw Meat Sandwiches Kind Of Endearing

STEVENS POINT—  After a social media post from the Wisconsin Department of Health Services begging people to skip ‘Cannibal Sandwiches’ this year went viral last week, Minnesota state officials released a report that clearly shows that, in comparison to everything else going on, the raw meat sandwiches are kind of endearing.

“No public health official is going to endorse eating raw beef mixed with onions served on rye bread. But, when you think about how Milwaukee is the most segregated city in America, it doesn’t really even seem that bad in comparison,” said Casey Holland, an anthropologist specializing in Upper Midwestern popular culture. 

‘Cannibal sandwiches’ are most popular in the southeastern part of Wisconsin, and it is believed that Northern Europeans started the tradition when they settled on land forcibly taken from the Menominee people. 

“I totally assumed it was, like, a joke related to Ed Gein or Jeffery Dahmer, since they’re both from Wisconsin,” said Holland. “Nope! Just German-Americans doing what they do best: being morbid and strangely cute at the same time.” 

The report encourages any ‘Sconnies sticking to the tradition to make sure to source meat that is high in quality and extremely fresh. With Wisconsin hospitals overwhelmed with COVID, no one wants to celebrate Christmas by getting E.coli and shitting blood.