Minnesota Conservatives March On Capitol To Prevent Elementary Schools From Teaching That Jazz In Star Wars Is Called Jizz
ST. PAUL — Hundreds of irate Minnesotans descended on the State Capitol today to protest against the public school system teaching children the fact that the style of upbeat jazz-like music played in the iconic Cantina scene from the 1977 blockbuster “Star Wars” is canonically known as “jizz” – a slang word that also means “semen”.
“We are here to stand up and tell teachers: enough is enough,” said rally organizer Nancy Carlyle, “the disgusting word ‘jizz’ and those who perform it like Figrin D’an and the Model Nodes, Bobolo Baker’s All Bith Band or Ever Orbus And His Galactic Jizz-Wailers have absolutely no business in our nation’s schools!”
Demonstrators chanted and held signs with slogans such as “Down With Jizz!”, “No Jizz In Schools!”, “Why Couldn’t They Have Called It ‘Jezz’ or ‘Jozz’? There’s So Many Options!”. One protester burned an effigy of Jabba the Hutt associate and famed jizz singer Sy Snootles, to loud cheers and applause from onlookers.
“I can’t even believe that I have to be here! I’d rather be at work,” said Joe Patterson, while holding aloft a large sign depicting President Biden and Double Jocimer player Ickabel G’ont of Clak’dor VII passionately kissing, “but I needed to be here to protect the children.”
A small counter-protest eventually formed made up mostly of elementary school teachers and staff baffled by the protest’s basic premise.
“I have no idea what these people are so mad about. We’ve literally never taught about Jizz to elementary school students,” said fourth-grade teacher Sandra Corr, “our curriculum barely even touches on Rodian rumba – the genre popular in the outer rim jungle world of Rodia.”
At press time, a battalion of protestors dressed like Wookiees and carrying AR-15s arrived and were greeted warmly by Capitol police.