Minnesota’s Knife Lake Surprisingly Not the Site of Several Grisly Teen Murders in the 80s

In a shocking turn of events, a recent investigation into the history of Knife Lake, Minnesota, has determined that the area surrounding the 1,200 acre body of water was not, in fact, the setting for a series of horrific teen slashings between 1980 and 1989.

“We’re as flabbergasted as anyone,” said Mark Payson, a historian who began studying old county police records after learning of the lake’s existence. “We’ve combed through everything and haven’t found so much as a single mention of a machete-wielding psychopath attacking a group of unwitting teenagers on vacation.”

The same held true when Payson expanded his search to include axe- and chainsaw-wielding psychopaths as well.

Astonishingly, even long-time residents of the area were unable to recall any incidents of adolescent-centered massacre, mayhem, or carnage during the years of the Reagan Administration. “Nope. None of that around here, I’m afraid,” said Bill Knutson, who graduated high school in 1983 and visited the lake several times during what experts have referred to as the peak of the lakeside teenage slaughter epidemic. “At the time we were all pretty confident something like that would happen to us, especially in a place called Knife Lake, but it just never did.”

Many have speculated as to how this sleepy lakeside community would fail to play host to a homicidal maniac’s killing spree. Some have pointed to a lack of any nearby condemned insane asylums or easily-escapable prisons, while others have suggested that perhaps any mask-wearing killers who initially considered the lake for the site of their grim machinations ultimately found the name to be a little on the nose, though few are convinced by this argument.

Payson, who has also failed to uncover evidence of deranged teen rampages at Bloody Lake, Savage Lake, and all three of Minnesota’s Dead Lakes, says the lack of horrific tales of mutilation and terror remain “disappointing.”