Minnetonka Resident with Indoor Pool Can’t Stand Being Cooped Up Anymore

TONKA BAY – After nine months of quarantines and lockdowns, COVID fatigue has finally reached the outer suburbs. Retired investment banker Barbara Wollschlager recently expressed her feelings about her own prolonged isolation during a Zoom call from her three-million-dollar home on Lake Minnetonka. 

“I just don’t know how much more of this my husband and I can take,” Wollschlager lamented, her concerns echoing off the tile surrounding her indoor pool. “We’ve never gone this long without paying $15 for a margarita at Lord Fletcher’s. It’s really taking its toll.”

Although her investment portfolio has grown exponentially since March and her basement alone could house fifty evicted restaurant workers, Wollschlager is at her wit’s end, insisting that any time spent with her family these days is well worth the risk of contracting and potentially spreading the novel coronavirus.

“I know that big shot Walz says I still shouldn’t leave the house, but I’ll be damned if I miss out on my cousin’s birthday party where she’ll be surrounded by her friends from all over the metro. This is no way to live.”

Wollschlager’s neighbor Tim Decker was quick to lend his support.

“I feel for Barb. My wife and I had to get out of there,” Decker explained from his houseboat in the Caymans. “We weren’t going to stand for those communist encroachments on our individual freedoms anymore. We’re in charge of our own destiny.”

Wollschlager was last seen at the Ridgedale Nordstrom picking out a dress for her cousin’s funeral.