Secret’s Out: Jacob Frey Confesses He Is Actually a Quarter-Zip Fleece Accidentally Brought to Life by a Witch
Original photo by August Schwerdfeger
MINNEAPOLIS — Mayor Jacob Frey made a shocking confession at a surprise virtual press conference about the true nature of his identity.
“There have been some rumors circulating as to whether or not I am in fact a real human being, capable of expressing emotion beyond what I deem to be politically expedient in the moment. I would like to put these rumors to rest by candidly telling you, the good people of Minnesota that I am, in fact, a quarter-zip fleece brought to life by a witch’s curse.”
Frey’s team, along with the witch he claims is responsible for his transformation, Elladora Bloodstone, were present at the conference.
“I want to confess that when I put the spell on the quarter-zip micro fleece in the Columbia store ten years ago, it was meant for my ex-boyfriend so he’d be cursed to wear it the rest of his life. Instead, the quarter-zip turned into Jacob Frey. I could have never imagined that my mistake would become the mayor and I am sorry.”
Frey’s advisor, Alicia Poundstone chimed in to say that while Frey isn’t human in the traditional sense, he can’t be removed from office because of his true form.
“While Mayor Frey is, in essence, a sentient piece of performance fleece masquerading as a man, there are no known state laws that prohibit a cursed object from holding office. Our Mayor will continue his work to the best of his abilities, pulling himself up by his quarter-zip.”
While he realizes that this news will be shocking and upsetting for many, Mayor Frey hopes that the citizens of Minneapolis, and the world, will ultimately be accepting.
“While my insides are made of a fleece that is both insulating and breathable, I have the soul of a human man who needs you all to be cool about this and not let it distract you from the bigger issues.”
The press conference wrapped with Frey pledging to commit to becoming more human by “listening and learning” to the needs of his constituents, as long as those needs aren’t defunding the police.