ST. PAUL — Newly published research from a team of historians at the University of Minnesota has found compelling evidence that the state’s controversial first governor Henry Hastings Sibley, perhaps best known for a brutal ethnic cleansing campaign against Minnesota’s Indigenous Dakota people, led a strange and sordid double life as the world champion of a little known sport called “competitive pants wetting”.
The findings were made after historians combed through thousands of previously unseen files kept in the U of M archives since at least the late 1850s, including 19th-century sporting periodicals like “Pants Wetting Today”, “The Pee Pee Herald” and “Piss Boy Of The Month”.
“We kept seeing references to a legendary pants pee-er going by the stage name ‘Little Stinky Wee Wee Man’ who set the competitive pants wetting world on fire with his legendary ability to pee himself at a moment’s notice with the worst smelling pee anyone had ever smelled and saying ‘whoopsie oopsie!’ in a stupid, annoying voice,” said team leader Dr. James Calloway, “we were able to piece together with reasonable certainty that this man was none other than Henry Sibley because contemporaries always remarked that he would walk around with sopping wet pee pants and that everyone near him would be so grossed out, they’d throw up.”
These primary sources paint a vibrant picture of Sibley’s rarely discussed life outside of his despicable political career largely spent dealing death and destruction upon the Dakota people. Sometime in the early 1830s, Sibley realized he had a penchant for constantly peeing himself with such explosive force that he’d also fart and then slip on the pee puddle and get covered in dirt and leaves and then just go about his day like nothing happened.
A competitive pants wetting promoter named Samuel T. Watkins noticed this while traveling through St. Peter (modern-day Mendota) and hired Sibley on the spot. Over the next two decades, Sibley would travel across the rapidly expanding nation winning titles such as “Best Grabbing Your Crotch And Dancing A Little ‘I Have To Pee’ Jig”, “Least Self Aware Pants-Whizzer”, and “Most Demonically Repellant Stench That Makes Everyone Want To Die”.
“His pants wetting apparently took up so much of his time that while governor, he would sometimes race from a match back to his office to sign bills meant to further subjugate the Native population while still in his uniform – a top hat with the words ‘Piss King’ written on it and a neon yellow leotard that was so tight it would snap into a hundred pieces if he sat down, exposing his little red butt,” said historian Louis Grave, “in fact, our records show that he was likely buried in this uniform and is probably still wearing it in hell”.
The historians who worked on the project say their next undertaking will be looking into evidence that Sibley may have also held non-urine related awards for “most times someone has accidentally sat on their own testicles so hard they cried in front of everyone in the State Legislature”, “stupidest slack-jawed stare”, and “weirdest penis in Minnesota Territory”.