North Loop Abandoned After Residents’ Parents Unable to Pay Rent

MINNEAPOLIS — The North Loop has officially been deemed a ghost town after nearly all of its residents left due to their parents being unable to pay their rent.

“COVID-19 has hit this neighborhood hard. Residents can no longer sustain the local economy after being cut off from their main sources of income, specifically their well-to-do parents from the west suburbs”, said North Loop Association representative, Jake Cruz.

“Pandemic related layoffs have hit Boomers harder than expected, resulting in their children being unable to afford the $3,000/month rent for a studio apartment on  a social media coordinator salary.”

The mass exodus of the dependently wealthy has resulted in many of the neighborhood’s restaurants and bars shuttering indefinitely.

“We tried focusing on takeout and delivery like many other restaurants, but it turns out our clientele wouldn’t eat the food unless they could tag themselves at our patio. Not that it mattered after the virus, because without the supplemental money from our patrons parents, no one can live here let alone spend $25 on a chopped salad, “said former restaurateur Brian Collins. “At this rate, the neighborhood will revert back to being abandoned warehouses within a year.”

As of press time, the Minneapolis Department of Community Planning and Economic Development announced a plan to send stimulus checks to every resident of Chanhassen over the age of 55 in hopes of luring their adult children back to the city.