BIG LAKE — Following a drastic decline in ridership due to the pandemic, the Northstar commuter line is hoping to recover by introducing an extravagant new Victorian-era styled first-class railcar in which homicide is 100% legal.
“We hope to entice customers by being the most comfortable transportation option in the area,” said Metro Transit General Manager Wes Kooistra, “and also a place where you can poison someone with arsenic laden absinthe or bludgeon them with a silver candlestick and not have to worry about being found out after a day long series of uncanny deductions by a pipe smoking detective with a dark secret of his own.”
The new luxury railcar will feature an ornate interior complete with elegant upholstered seating, drinks served in fine crystal glassware, an authentic turn-of-the-century bronze chandelier, and a mahogany cabinet full of ivory-handled compact revolvers with which to shoot a fellow human being with the assurance of zero repercussions.
Metro Transit will also construct several large darkened tunnels along the train’s route. While traveling through said tunnels, the electricity will be rigged to mysteriously go out, giving customers ample time to permanently silence a rival business partner or romantic interloper anonymously.
So far, the reaction to the plan has been mostly positive.
“I haven’t taken the Northstar since before the pandemic but this might make me start again. I can’t think of anything more relaxing than downing a few cocktails while on the trip down to see a Twins game”, said Monticello resident Tom Dunn, “also I’ve always wanted to know what it’s like to kill a man.”
Some however fear that while it may boost revenue in the short term, the new arrangement could ultimately harm some local businesses.
“90% of my business takes place on trains and making murder legal could catastrophically hurt demand for my services” said Elk River-based private investigator Sir Algernon T. Digby
“Indubitably!” added his trusty assistant Dr. John Wadkins.
If the new car proves popular, Northstar says they hope to further innovate in 2022 by building a working scale replica of the train from the film Snowpiercer.