Opinion: Haunted Basement Was Scarier When It Was Herbergers

The employees ranged from a woman with a literal bird for a face, a man dragging a crowbar around and periodically hitting the wall, and grown adults who dressed as children shouting at me to count to 60 in a dark room. Truly unprofessional. I went up to who looked like a manager, the tallest one there in red suspenders and dripping clown make-up playing an accordion with open wounds on his hands (live music, nice touch!) and demanded to know…


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So I went to the Roseville Herberger’s the other day for a bit of nostalgia, and what do I find? Why, there’s just a line of people waiting to go through poorly kept rooms filled with broken TVs, some miscellaneous doll heads, a room full of trash, a bathroom that doesn’t appear to be working or cleaned in years, an area where I’m pretty sure an old, unbathed couple is just living in and having loud fights with each other, leading into a room filled with water. 

The employees ranged from a woman with a literal bird for a face, a man dragging a crowbar around and periodically hitting the wall, and grown adults who dressed as children shouting at me to count to 60 in a dark room. Truly unprofessional. I went up to who looked like a manager, the tallest one there in red suspenders and dripping clown make-up playing an accordion with open wounds on his hands (live music, nice touch!) and demanded to know where the clothes racks were. “Is this how you expect to run a business? There are some parts of this store that don’t even have the lights on!!!” 

They didn’t verbally respond to me so much as looked longingly at me for about 1 minute, breathed their hot breath at me, and caressed my face, getting blood all over my green and white gingham shirt I bought off the rack for $35.99 at Herberger’s with my employee discount. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT??? WHAT A DEAL!

Anyway, I have no idea how they got by OSHA inspectors, but I will be making a phone call once I get done giving you all my two cents. Herberger’s, while terrifyingly affordable and horrifyingly stylish, clothed and accessorized this community beyond what it’s worth, apparently. I don’t see what all the hubbub is about this new store, but I can guarantee you that while I had to pay to just get in, I did not buy a thing. The legacy of that place is just too precious to be spent on a store that seems to double as an amateur operating room. GET A MOP AND CLEAN UP THIS PLACE, MILLENNIALS!