OPINION: If Mayor Frey Wants My Vote, Then He Has To Read My Fanfiction Of Him And Melvin Carter Kissing On The Mouth

Well, it’s local election season once more, and Minneapolis’s silly little boy-mayor is making the rounds, begging and pleading for our votes. Unfortunately for incumbent Mayor Jacob Frey, the only way he’s getting my vote is if he reads my fanfiction of him and St. Paul mayor Melvin Carter kissing on the mouth. 

He should have expected this. His treatment of unhoused neighbors is abysmal. His response to police brutality is even worse. I don’t trust his morals, his connections, or his competence. In fact, I can’t think of a single thing I like about Jacob Frey, except that he’s the perfect type of bland that fits into a Coffee Shop!AU. The fact that his Saint Paul counterpart is roughly the same age, and that I can reasonably expect that they’ve interacted at least once in canon? Cherry on top. 

It’s not like he hasn’t seen it. I’ve sent it to his email, I tried to read it over the phone to one of his staffers, I even printed it out and learned how to hand-bind the spine off of a YouTube tutorial so I could send it directly to his office. But hey, isn’t that typical Jake —  refusing to listen to his constituents once more. 

So the choice is up to Frey: He can read my 23,000 word slow-burn fanfiction which culminates in a tender confession of love on the Mississippi River Bridge at night (during the first snowfall of the year, because that’s romantic as hell), and then a fireworks-inspiring mouth-kiss with Mayor Carter, or I don’t rank him in the 2021 mayoral election. See you at the polling booth.