There is no denying that St. Cloud, the city I am proud to represent as mayor, is the crown jewel of central Minnesota. It’s a thriving center of culture and commerce. People flock here from all over to take in our sights and sounds.
So you can understand my shock when I watched the trailer for the new “Godzilla Vs Kong” movie hoping to see a shot of Godzilla stomping the living shit out of Crosswoods Mall or King Kong turning our historic downtown into mincemeat and I was, yet again, sorely disappointed.
There have been 36 Godzilla movies and not a single goddamn one features the legendary nuclear-powered monster ripping St Cloud, Minnesota to shreds! What gives?
Look, I’m not picky! I’d settle for a movie where a generic non-Toho Studios kaiju completely fucks up our fine city. Perhaps a found footage thriller à la Cloverfield or a Pacific Rim spinoff where an interdimensional portal opens in Lake George and my wife and I have to meld our minds together in order to pilot an enormous mech suit. Hell, even an Akira-esque post-apocalyptic cyberpunk anime where a troubled teen grows into a grotesque blob of flesh and destroys Husky Stadium would be pretty cool!
You might say “well St. Cloud doesn’t have enough tall buildings to make a Godzilla movie” to which I say: ever heard of the Raddison Suites? Or Sherburne Fucking Hall? Besides, the tallest thing Godzilla wrecked in the original 1954 film was an electrical tower and that’s one of the best ones!
Others have said “Dave, didn’t they film part of Mighty Ducks in St Cloud? That’s pretty cool, right?” and my answer to that is simple. No, dipshit. It’s not cool. That’s literally a movie for babies. Maybe if the kids from Mighty Ducks fell in some toxic waste and climbed up the Stearns County Courthouse and the military tried to shoot them with tanks but the rockets bounced off them like rubber balls, then maybe we’d have something!
I just want to see a gigantic monster destroying the city I love on the silver screen, is that too much to fucking ask?