Paul Gazelka Winds Down After Long Day By Drinking Diet Dr. Pepper, Staring At Television Static For Three Hours

Original photo by petermgrund

ST. PAUL — After a long day of standing up against marijuana legalization, COVID-19 safety measures, police reform, and LGBTQ+ rights, Minnesota Senate Majority Leader Paul Gazelka is currently at home taking the edge off by drinking a warm Diet Dr. Pepper and staring at television static alone in a room.

Gazelka reportedly returned home at around seven o’clock, let out a contented sigh, switched out of his work suit and into a comfortable grey canvas jumpsuit, grabbed a warm Diet, Dr. Pepper, out of a cardboard box labeled “dad treats”, and sat down cross-legged on the floor in front of his 1976 Zenith Chromacolor II television set.

“After a hard day’s work, there’s nothing I enjoy more than watching my stories”, Gazelka said, in reference to what appeared to be nothing but TV static blaring at 100% volume, “it calms my soul”.

After staring unblinkingly at the chaotic display of randomly flashing pixels for an hour, he arose as if having an epiphany, ran to the kitchen, and wrote down the words “poll tax?” on a post-it note. Gazelka then grabbed a second drink, this time a Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper, said in a monotone voice the words “special occasion” to himself, and returned to the television.

At press time, Gazelka began pointing to the screen, smiling, and saying “good one” over and over again.