Quiz: Are You a Carrie, a Samantha, a Miranda or Wanda the Walleye Twins Mascot?

It’s an age old question, but let’s face it: all of us want to know which iconic woman fits our personality best. But wonder no more- take this quiz to find out if you’re a Carrie, a Samantha, a Miranda or Wanda the Walleye Twins Mascot! 

Good morning, girlie! After you rise (you’re already shining ;)), what’s the first thing you reach for? 

1. My flip phone, just one of my many charming idiosyncrasies that make me, me! 
2. My personal massager- the best part of waking up, is two orgasms, honey, straight up!
3. My alarm clock, I don’t get to push the snooze button or else my partner will be up my ass. Get your mind out of the gutter, I’m a lawyer! 
4. My detached head and place it on my body. My conscious mind returns and my work begins. Let’s get swimming to the fin-ish line! 
   

Okay beauties, it’s breakfast time, what are we having? 

1. A coffee larger than my head that I’ll carry the entire day, in a way, it’s my love letter to New York- the coffees get bigger but the city always stays the same! 
2. A banana, that is if I can’t start the day with dick, a phallic fruit will do the trick! 
3. I don’t know, a bagel dripping with cream cheese, the grossest breakfast sandwich from Dunkin, whatever, I’m a lawyer, I gotta go! 
4. I stick my head in the Mississippi and free feed until I’ve had my fill of minnows and perch. I need sustenance to oust my competition. Then it’s off to Target Field where the only place you’ll catch me is on the jumbotron! 
   

Work sucks, we know (jk!, anything for health insurance, right :P)! What’s on the cal today, queens? 

1. Well, I’m slammed, I have to shop at some of the world’s most expensive stores, walk for 8 hours in heels, hang out with my three closest friends who I have very little in common with, and oh, yes! Write a sex column (even though I don’t really have a lot of sex and I only date and sleep with white men) in my spacious rent-controlled apartment.
2. Lots of meetings. I’m in Public Relations, and yes- I’m never opposed to making my relations public. I’ll spread my legs faster than I’ll have your profile spread over the front page of the New York Times!
3. Hello? Have you heard a word I’ve said? I’m a LAWYER! I can sue you for libel, where’s my briefcase? 
4. I race against my fellow Minnesotan-themed mascot brethren to see who is the fastest cultural touchpoint of them all. One day they will all be crushed beneath my fins. They will choke on my felt pearls, they will scream— I mean, uh, glug, glug, glug, I’m going to win this race, you slugs! 
   

Ladies, that was a looooong day and it’s 3:00 pm somewhere! What’s your elixir of choice?

1. Whatever my friends are drinking–I’ll then pass it off as my own! 
2. You’d think I’d say sex on the beach but really I like my liquor like I like my men, strong, hard and will have me on my back in no time flat! 
3. I like wine, I guess? Or beer? I don’t know, whatever I can drink while looking over legal briefs, did I mention I’m a mother? So make it a double!
4. What I crave above all else is to swallow the warm, iron-rich blood of my enem— no, no, I just enjoy when I can pour some Powerade into my gaping maw after me and my friends just finished a Minnesota Nice race! 
   

Okay so…it’s after hours so let’s dish–what’s going on underneath those sheets!!

1. As long as I can get a man to lay on top of me, I don’t really care- unless he does something that’s not normal!
2. Listen ladies, I don’t care what’s happening in, around or underneath sheets, all that matters is that it’s going inside me!
3. I don’t know, sex with my nice and good husband who loves me which I find annoying? Would you ask a man this question? Anyway I’m busy I have to go be the lawyer for the family who’s money laundering diamonds
4. After their ultimate defeat I hope to see the unmoving bodies of my fellow mascots beneath the white sheet of the morg— oh. Right. Intercourse. Well, I gave Joe Mauer an HJ back in 2012. We’re gonna win, Twins! 

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Mostly A’s: You’re a Carrie! 
Congratulations! A lot of things seem to go your way and the only problems in your life are the ones you create for yourself! While you can be fun and charming, your worldview is limited to your own experiences and opinions which will limit you from growing as a person. Not that you really care, though! 

Mostly B’s: You’re a Samantha! 
Ms. Jones if you’re nasty! Which you are, at least within the context of what our society understands a woman who enjoys sex to be! You’re pretty smart, savvy and speak mostly in innuendos and sex riddles but that’s because you’re weird and old, according to your friends. Maybe try getting some new friends! 

Mostly C’s: You’re a Miranda! 
The future is female- or at least for “females” who also went to Ivy League schools and have high powered jobs! You’re hardworking, driven and actually a pretty good friend and partner. However, you would probably represent Cargill against modern day slavery charges if it meant getting a promotion. Take some time to reflect on the life you’re building and if you get a chance, repent (jk) (kind of)! 

Mostly D’s: You’re a Wanda the Walleye Twins Mascot 
Athlete alert! Your commitment to your craft is admirable and enviable! You’re confident, motivated and will do whatever it takes to get to the top of your field. If you can learn to curb your unquenchable blood lust and murderous fantasies then the world is your oyster, cutie! Please don’t hurt us 🙂 Go Wanda the Walleye!!! Wanda the Walleye is INNOCENT!