SAINT PAUL — In a warm gesture to the thousands of school children returning to school this week, the leadership of the Minnesota Republican Party held a press conference to remind students to bring their thoughts and prayers to class.
“Over the past several years, members of our caucus have distributed thousands of thoughts and prayers to students and families in times of tragedy”, said GOP Senate Majority Leader, Paul Gazelka. “And we want to make sure that they remember to bring them to school, where they, statistically speaking, are sitting ducks”.
The elected officials went on to list the various academic benefits that students gain when they bring thoughts and prayers to school, including deeper connections with their equally vulnerable peers and a near hyper-vigilant awareness of their surroundings.
“The children of today are the leaders of tomorrow,” said GOP House Minority Leader, Kurt Daudt, “that is why we are setting the example so that one day, they too will address big challenges with empty rhetoric.”
The representatives concluded the press conference by announcing a new initiative to invest thousands of thoughts and prayers into schools across the state.
“They’re gonna need them” Daudt remarked, before leaving to attend a meeting with the local chapter of the NRA.