ROCHESTER — Over the course of the pandemic, countless world leaders and media outlets have turned to Minnesota’s own Mayo Clinic for information, guidance, and reliable statistics on disease spread. This past week, yet another world leader met with the experts, and this time, he arrived by magical sleigh.
Kris Kringle, clad in his iconic red and white suit (with a matching mask!), flew into Rochester to consult with epidemiologists on how to keep his workshop running and productive in light of the highly spreadable and deadly disease.
“We’re unsure of how COVID-19 transmits among the elven population.” said Mayo epidemiologist Arjun Vyas “The main focus for Santa’s Workshop here will be to ensure that viral spread stays at a minimum, especially considering the scarce number of ventilators available at the North Pole.”
Healthcare infrastructure is notoriously weak in the Arctic Circle. With only four ICU beds for a population of a few thousand elves, reindeer, and Mr. and Mrs. Claus, an outbreak could spell disaster. Furthermore, general medical treatment seems to be limited to drinking a nice cup of hot chocolate with lots of little marshmallows and a candy cane in front of the fire, so it’s unlikely that seriously ill individuals would have access to experimental treatments such as Remdesivir.
As for Santa himself, he remains determined to spread Christmas cheer.
“Virus or not, I’m committed to delivering toys to all the good children, even if our normal traditions have to be cancelled,” he said, blue eyes a-twinkle. “We’re doing everything the scientists are telling us to do, because frankly, the elves have started talking about unionizing and my ass can’t handle that kind of litigation right now.”