Serfs Plan Uprising Against Iron-fisted Reign of Mars Cheese Castle


KENOSHA, WI — Political conflict between the serf population and acting monarchy of the Mars Cheese Castle has reached a boiling point following the latest royal decrees. Lowly peasants are slated to receive 20% less shillings for the amount of cheese worked on the dairy lands within the surrounding kingdom.

Whispers of rebellion have risen throughout the villages despite the Mars Cheese regime’s efforts to quell a revolution. “We don’t feel represented by our king and queen is all,” a dairy laborer stated, choosing to remain nameless for their protection. “I work from sunrise to sunset, curdling the kingdom’s milk. Their demands weigh heavily upon us. They order us to make the cheddar sharper when it is already at its sharpest, and punish our futile efforts by rubbing pepper jack spread in our eyes.”

Although there are a minority of subjects whose loyalties stand with the Mars Cheese Crown, their views are openly condemned within the realm. “Honestly, I don’t understand the strife. The high cheese priests coronated our glorious king and queen to rule these lands with honorable intent and a respect for both people and pasteurization. It is a privilege to serve,” proclaimed Athelyn Premberbrook, hours before his disappearance. 

The insurrection is lead by Fendrel Marbylfoot, a prestigious cow herder and renowned milker, who has called for the removal of the monarchy and the formation of a United Mars Cheese Commonwealth. “We will no longer be oppressed by those who don’t understand the life of those on the Colby line, or in the Swiss hole-punching mill.” Marbylfoot declared, wielding a flag reading, “Caseus et Liberate” which translates to “Free the Cheese”. 

Tensions are expected to rise as the approaching football season will increase the demand for cheese throughout the neighboring kingdoms.