Hoping to improve their image and distract from their many controversies, multinational oil company Enbridge Inc. just spent a reported 300 million dollars purchasing the rights to the popular Pokémon Eevee and making it their official mascot under the name ‘Fun Oil Dog’.
“Fun Oil Dog is a wonderful furry dog-thing who loves to drink oil which is good and healthy for it” said Enbridge CEO Al Monaco, “Line 3 leads right to his house so when people say they want to shut it down, they’re really saying they want this cute little dog-guy to go hungry.”
Other than appearing in 30-second online Enbridge ads, Fun Oil Dog is set to feature in his own half hour cartoon series called ‘Fun Oil Dog Adventure Squad’ in which he drives around Northern Minnesota in a Jeep protecting Line 3 from evil protestors using his ability to shoot a sticky substance from his wrists, an idea clearly and awkwardly taken from ‘Spider-man’. After tying up protestors in a giant ball of web, Fun Oil Dog will give them a lecture about how all the permits are totally valid and besides, why do wild rice fields even matter when you can just get regular rice from the store?
Fun Oil Dog will reportedly be voiced by state senator and aspiring voice actor Paul Gazelka doing what he describes as ‘a cool rap guy accent’. Gazelka specifically asked for the role in exchange for his unwavering support of Line 3.
“Fun Oil Dog is going to fix all our PR problems. Next time there’s an oil spill, no one will even think about the environmental cost,” said Enbridge Chief Communications Officer Mike Fernandez, “they’ll think ‘I hope Fun Oil Dog got all covered in the oil because that’s what causes him to evolve into Super Fun Oil Dog which is twice as big and has laser breath’.”
At press time, Enbridge was in talks to also purchase the character ‘Jigglypuff’ in order to give Fun Oil Dog a wife.