BLAINE – During a recent cold snap that gripped much of the Upper Midwest, Blaine resident Matt Johansen made light of a dire climatic situation that would eventually lead to his death in 2047 at the hands of outlaw cannibals following the environmental and societal collapse of much of the planet.
“Sure could use some of that global warming today!” the 37-year-old account manager quipped, unaware that the frozen ground he was standing on would one day be an arid wasteland under the purview of a barbaric raider tribe called the “Skin Eaters.”
“I just think it’s a bunch of bullshit. For cripes sake- would it really be that bad if it were a few degrees warmer around here?” said Johansen, oblivious to the catastrophic effects that warming has on the climate, the most direct of which will result in him living at the subsistence level by mid-century on a farm that passively collects moisture from the desert air in a land once known as “Anoka County.”
Reacting with the same dismissiveness he will demonstrate 28-years from now when presented with numerous warnings of a Skin Eater war party in the vicinity of his moisture farm, Johansen said that he thinks people are just “panicking over nothing. “And you know what? I say the less I have to use this, the better.” he said of the snow shovel in his hand, the same one he will be wielding in self-defense as rusted buckshot from the Skin Eaters’ rudimentary pipe-based projectile weaponry plunges into his enfeebled body, painfully shredding his major organs.
“Don’t get me wrong,” Johansen said as he took a swig from a plastic Gatorade bottle that will end up in a Kansas landfill due to a convoluted mix of political and economic forces and outlast him by a millennium, “I still recycle.”