Timberwolves Fan Unsure How To Cope With Team Being Good

MINNEAPOLIS — Local Minnesota Timberwolves fan Dan Maxwell had been bewildered and lost for the past seven months as the regular season turned out to be successful for the formerly pathetic NBA franchise.

“I figured our team would be a suckfest, same as the last twenty years,” claimed Maxwell. But his confidence quickly turned to confusion as this year’s Timberwolves team began to win, and then kept winning well into the season. Feeling bereft and adrift, Maxwell found himself sinking into the five stages of Minnesota Sports Fan Grief, beginning with Denial.

“We were still in the playoff picture in MARCH,” he lamented. “I figured there was no way they could keep up that pace!” Denial then morphed effortlessly into Anger. “Next thing I know, those idiots are breaking franchise records left and right,” he roared. “Beasley with 3-pointers! KAT with 60 points! WHAT! THE! HELL!”

As the NBA calendar flipped to April, Maxwell flipped as well, right into the Bargaining stage. “I needed those idiots to start losing again so I could feel something, anything. I tried washing my lucky Timberwolf bikini briefs I’d been wearing since October…” His voice trailed off as he shrugged helplessly. Depression had checked in from the scorer’s table.

“Nothing worked. It was getting harder to motivate myself off the couch and head to Target Center,” he croaked. “I used to schedule time after games to drown my sorrows at Keiran’s but then this damn team kept winning and I had to go home and face my family sober! SOBER!!”

But then, on April 16, the NBA playoffs began, and Maxwell’s journey simultaneously slipped into the final stage of Minnesota Sports Fan Grief: Acceptance.

“They coughed up multiple 20 point leads, their star players shriveled up in the spotlight, and they were humiliated on national TV,” said the beaming, contented fan after the team’s first round loss Friday night.

“Turns out, they’re still a Minnesota team.”