Uptown Theater Staff Not Surprised Popcorn Still Good After 2 Years

MINNEAPOLIS–Staff at the Uptown Theater, which reopens this week after shutting down two years ago due to Covid, say they were not shocked at all that the popcorn which had been popped and left in concession bins on site was still edible.  

“When we shut down back in 2021, I wasn’t worried,” said Assistant Manager Derek Bashert. “This stuff has a shelf life on par with a Twinkle.” 

According to Bashert, the popcorn was determined to still be edible by employee “Gipper” Osbourne, who needed a snack after “smoking a fat J” and scooped out a bag. 

“It tasted just fine,” said Osbourne, who has worked at Uptown for seven years. “Didn’t even taste stale. The colors were awesome too.” When asked to elaborate, Osbourne wandered off, speaking in what sounded like Latin and waving his hands like he was trying to swat a fly. 

An examination of the popcorn shows it to be giving off an odor similar to brimstone mixed with I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter. According to box office manager Janette Crews, this isn’t unusual. 

“We had a box of Junior Mints from about 1991 that got stuck in a vent somehow. After being opened, this ungodly stench of mint, chocolate, and sulfur came out. Could have sworn the mints were talking too. At least that’s what our old head usher Billy said when he dropped the box and ran out. Ain’t seen him since.”         

When asked his thoughts about why the popcorn was still good, Bashert just shrugged. 

“Preservatives, genetically modified corn, the varnish-like butter we cover it with, who knows?” he mused. “I don’t ask questions, because I might not like the answer.”