SHAKOPEE — There’s a new ride coming to Valley Fair that’s guaranteed to combine the thrills of a roller coaster and the high-octane tension of a courtroom drama all under the watchful eye of one very recognizable Minnesota legend: Paul Bunyan’s Rockin’ Divorce Hearing Timber Coaster.
“It’s pretty shocking that Valley Fair has yet to have a Paul Bunyan-themed ride and we wanted to deliver a story that everyone can relate to,” Chief Ride Engineer Paul Schiffer stated. “And what’s something that everyone can relate to? Divorce! Divorce has touched all of our lives in one way or another and what better way to make it go down a little bit smoother than with a rolicking ride with one of Minnesota’s favorite legends? I can’t think of one!”
Schiffer, who just recently divorced from his wife of 15 years, claims his idea for the ride is a complete coincidence and has little to do with his own personal experience.
“I get why people who know me would think that I took a little inspiration from my own life but more than anything this is something that makes Paul Bunyan a little more down to earth, like you want to root for him a little more. Like maybe people want to hear his side of the story for a change! No one becomes a legend by being more ‘emotionally present’. I can tell you that much!”
The ride is set to be one of the most elaborate and expensive in the park’s history and projected costs seem to be growing more by the day.
“This coaster will have the most animatronics of any ride in Valley Fair’s history,” Tara Lee, the park’s lead designer confirmed. “Paul has also been very involved in the design process. He’s given us a lot of notes on the Paul Bunyan animatronics we’re developing; to make them more muscular, taller, and to give them a lot more ‘cushion in the backseat.’” Schiffer also emailed me and my team some old pictures of him in his 20’s just in case we needed help getting Bunyan ‘right’.”
The park’s Chief Financial Officer Arnold Westerson seemed concerned about the mounting costs of the ride.
“Schiffer’s proposing that each car be equipped with water guns that they’ll spray at Bunyan’s wife and her “four-eyed two-bit lawyer” at different intervals and that the rollercoaster be in 4-D so that park goers can “touch, feel and smell” everything Paul’s going through, even though Valleyfair is an entirely outdoor park. It’s already mounting to be a $75 million project and frankly ValleyFair can’t recoup that kind of money–that’s Disney money!”
While Schiffer isn’t allowed to reveal all of the details of the ride yet, he’s confident that the upcoming attraction will give riders an experience they won’t soon forget.
“Listen, by the time that this ride is finished, people will be chomping at the bit to get on this thing. Because I can’t think of anything more gripping than the story of a really awesome guy being a hero no matter what papers he’s been served or how many times he’s asked to “not draw this whole thing out by throwing himself into a project that has spiraled out of his control in a vain effort to not face the inevitable and accept the consequences of his actions out of respect to his loved ones!” Schiffer exclaimed.
“He chops down the tallest tree and he WINS that divorce!” he confirmed as he proceeded to slam his hand on his desk, spraining his pinky finger.
At presstime, ValleyFair announced that they would be holding the Paul Bunyan’s Rockin’ Divorce Hearing Timber Coaster project until Schiffer’s pinky finger heals and is able to scale back on ⅔ of the ride’s pyrotechnics, animatronics and proposed Green Day live performances.