EAGAN—At a press conference at the TCO Performance Center on Monday morning, the Minnesota Vikings introduced the newest addition to their roster – a towheaded, chubby cheeked precocious six year old named Benji.
Team owner Zygy Wilf told reporters, “Our storylines of high expectations and crushing disappointments have gotten stagnant and repetitive over the last 57 seasons, but we believe Benji will bring a fresh, youthful energy and a can-do spirit to the upcoming season that will keep fans tuned in all the way through the predictably heartbreaking season finale. Fans are sure to love Benji’s adorable catch phrases like ‘oopsie doopsie’ and ‘leapin’ lutefisk!’ Every week Benji will have new adventures and misadventures and cause a lot of mischief, much of it at the expense of the obnoxious and arrogant next door neighbor Green Bay Packers.”
Wilf went on to explain that Benji is the heretofore unmentioned nephew of General Manager Rick Spielman, and that Benji has had to come to stay with the Vikings while his botanist parents are in Papua New Guinea trying to save an endangered species of fern from extinction.
Rick Spielman told reporters that he is excited to add Benji to the 53 man roster, saying, “This kid is going to be a great addition to our offensive line. He’s been hard at work reading and coloring in his playbook, and what he lacks in physical stature, skill and experience, he more than makes up for in moxie. Who knows what kind of hilarious hijinx he’ll get up to?”
Benji himself took to the podium after Wilf’s remarks. Standing on a stool, and wearing an adorably oversized Vikings helmet and jersey with the number “6 1/2”, the young boy told reporters, “I’m vewy excited to pway wiff da Vikeens. I fink its gonna be wots of fun!”
Benji then tried to take a sip of water from a cup and spilled it all over himself. He paused, turned to the tv camera, grinned sheepishly and exclaimed, “Oopsie Doopsie!”