ST. PAUL — Governor Tim Walz activated the Army National Guard early today to assist in apprehending his own internal sense of right and wrong after he briefly considered that his position on Line 3 might be unethical.
Walz was in the shower reflecting on the upcoming day when, at approximately 7:23 AM CST, the intrusive thought that violating Anishinaabe treaty rights could be morally indefensible forcibly entered his consciousness. After a short mental struggle, Walz was able to wrestle the self-criticism out of his mind but out of an abundance of caution, he felt it necessary to exit the shower immediately, run to the nearest phone whilst still nude and soaking wet, call the National Guard, and order the deployment of “a legion of [his] best troops”.
“The National Guard will be here within the hour to capture and punish my conscience with extreme prejudice – rightfully restoring my total confidence that Line 3 is just and good,” said Walz in a press conference on the matter, “and afterwards, I’m hoping they’ll put a space blanket over me and give me a mug of cocoa like in the movies.”
“We hope to locate and detain Mr. Walz’s sense of morality by erecting a perimeter around his person,” said National Guard Chief General Daniel R. Hokansen, “we will then send in bomb disposal robots equipped with walkie talkies to calmly explain to Mr. Walz that his conscience is lying and that there’s nothing wrong with building an oil pipeline through Native land.”
At press time, Walz asked the National Guard if they’d mind swinging by Brooklyn Center while they’re out.