Walz Assures State That Safety Is Number One Priority During Construction of Giant Pollution Tube

ST PAUL — In a press conference earlier today, Governor Walz assured the public that safety is his administration’s number one priority during the construction of the gigantic pollution tube traversing the state.

“The government is doing everything possible to ensure that workers are not exposed to coronavirus while they are building this enormous tunnel full of toxic chemicals,” said Walz, adding “Minnesotans should be proud to host the safest unnecessary death chute construction sites in all of North America” to applause from press and oil executives present.

Walz went on to explain that measures are even being put in place to ensure future relief workers are kept safe when, like its previous incarnation or Line 6B in Michigan,  Line 3 inevitably breaks and spills a million gallons of oil into some of the most pristine wetlands in the country.

After Walz made his statement, Jolene Guest, a spokesman for Enbridge, presented a PowerPoint showing that the COVID positivity rate among workers so far is only 3.5%. So far, only one worker has been hospitalized with the virus along the entire pipeline that recklessly careens across 13 counties and Ojibwe treaty land. 

“Workers are tested every two weeks or whenever they experience symptoms,” said Guest. “When one tests positive, they are sent home to recover and we swap them out with a healthy employee who can continue safely defacing Mother Earth”.

Enbridge also made it clear that all employees will be required to wear masks and stay six feet away from any Water Protectors or residents of Leech Lake and Fond du Lac Reservations while polluting their protected cultural sites and wild rice beds.