ST. CLOUD — A weird guy who can often be seen practicing nunchucks in the far end of the Crossroads Center JC Penny’s parking lot will be honored for his contributions to the city’s arts and culture with a star on the celebrated St. Cloud Walk of Fame.
Conner Dietrich, 39, has parked his 2002 Toyota Corolla, which is covered in bumper stickers supporting a bizarre array of politicians from Mitt Romney and Bernie Sanders to somebody named “Bob Skeleton”, in the area every day from 6 to 7 AM for the past few months. Bystanders say he plays the same clean versions of Eminem classics interspersed with songs from the Gladiator soundtrack from his car stereo while flailing his nunchucks around with little rhyme or reason, often hitting himself in the face and sending his cigarette and reflective aviators flying while muttering “aw crap!”.
“We’ve decided to award Conner with this award because no one could represent the city of St. Cloud better than this deeply strange man,” said St. Cloud Mayor Dave Kleis, “no one that isn’t also vocally racist, that is.”
When informed that he was to be recognized by his city, Dietrich humbly accepted, saying “I’m proud to receive this honor but I never practiced my nunchucks to receive praise or acclaim. I do it to make sure I’m ready in case the government comes after me for my participation in online forums that promote the secret truth that the earth is flat.”
Dietrich’s star will reportedly be placed between the one celebrating a local pediatric surgeon responsible for saving the lives of over thirty children and another celebrating a squirrel that drank a puddle of Monster energy drink outside a Speedway and lost its mind.