Minneapolis software developer Chance McCormack, 31, is officially requesting financial aid from the federal government to help rebuild his illusion of racial equality after it was severely damaged in late May when protests erupted following the murder of George Floyd by the Minneapolis Police Department.
The request submitted to the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) claims that the protests caused significant destruction to McCormack’s “belief that the police treat everyone in society more or less equally” and burned entirely to the ground his long-held understanding that the Civil Rights movement “basically fixed everything in the 1960s.”
“Rebuilding the bubble of privileged ignorance that I’ve called home for the last thirty-one years is going to be difficult,” said McCormack. “But I already posted ‘Black Lives Matter’ to my Instagram story like six times so I think I’m ready”, he added, holding back tears.
On July 11th, the federal government denied Governor Walz’s request for aid meant for rebuilding Twin Cities businesses damaged during the uprising. McCormack is confident his request will be accepted, however, saying “feelings are more important than buildings and besides, everything in life has gone my way so far”.
If McCormack’s application is approved, the government would be authorized to spend up to 50 million dollars to reconstruct his safe, self-centered worldview. Among other methods, FEMA would send an elite squad of federal agents to live with McCormack in his condo for a month, follow him around and stand in front of his television or cover his computer with a dark sheet whenever inconvenient facts are displayed.
FEMA would also hire a conservative Black man to act as McCormack’s “Black friend” and regularly assure him that inequality is simply the result of personal choices.
If these measures fail, the government would be authorized to demolish the entirety of South Minneapolis and spend 200 billion dollars to rebuild the community (minus any unsightly elements) inside a massive indoor soundstage, displacing its entire population and replacing them with thousands of paid actors from Southern California who’d collectively perform an upbeat song and dance routine titled “We’ve All Been Equal After All!” whenever McCormack steps outside his condo.
McCormack’s is the largest federal aid request for a disaster of this sort in Minnesota since 2016 when the election of Donald Trump utterly demolished a Duluth man’s misconception that America is fundamentally good.