The Great Pumpkin is in hot water this week after controversial statements the revered supernatural squash made about the “proper” role of women on Halloween during a 1954 interview on The Ed Sullivan Show resurfaced online.
The video features the 50 ft tall, 10-ton pumpkin bellowing “Behold! It is most sacred for members of the fairer sex to stay in the home and distribute sweets rather than disgrace themselves by tricking and treating!,” while dozens of terrifying skeleton warriors that follow their Lord and Master everywhere nodded and shrieked approvingly.
“I can’t believe he’d say something so repugnant,” said long-time Great Pumpkin believer Erika Sanders, echoing the views of many shocked and appalled Americans, “my family and I will have to find another pumpkin to worship this year!”
The rest of the nearly 70-year-old interview features The Great Pumpkin discussing his preferred worship rituals, the wickedness of non-Pumpkin-believers, and President Eisenhower’s fiscal policies before he abruptly disappeared from this mortal plane in an intense burst of spooky light that reportedly vaporized the clothes off Ed Sullivan’s body, causing the show to abruptly go to a ‘stand by’ screen.
It is his controversial comments on gender, however, that threaten to send the world’s community of Great Pumpkin worshippers down the path to a full-blown schism. Those who have decided to remain faithful to the Great Pumpkin are interpreting his gender beliefs in a myriad of different ways.
“His demand that women should stay home on Halloween should be understood in context,” said theologian and Great Pumpkin historian George Crispino, “the worship of The Great Pumpkin is an evolving faith that grows and adapts. In the 30s, He said almonds count as Halloween candy but thankfully, few of his adherents still believe this today.”
“Personally, I would say the Great Pumpkin was likely speaking metaphorically,” said Reverend J.J. Meyers of The Universalist Church Of The Pumpkin, “I haven’t exactly figured out how yet but give me some time.”
Others have taken a hardline, traditionalist stance.
“Who are we to defy the words of The Great Pumpkin? He has spoken,” said High Priest of the Order Of The Great Pumpkin, owner of ‘Van Pelt’s Blanket Emporium’, and former child actor Linus Van Pelt, “and those that disobey shall be punished.”