4 Actions to Take Now That You’re the Asshole Stuck in the Middle of the Intersection


It’s rush hour in the city and everyone is anxious to get home. You’re in a long line of traffic and just as you’re about to reach the light, it turns yellow and you gun it like the road warrior you are. There’s only one problem- the next light hasn’t turned green yet. And now you’re stuck in the middle of the intersection, because of course you are, you fucking asshat. Here are the four actions you can take, now that you have ruined the flow of traffic.

1. The Wave

Put your hand up and acknowledge the other drivers who are likely expressing their blinding hatred towards you. The Wave is nicely accompanied by the tight lipped half-smile, so they know that you know how much you suck. Don’t even wave it back and forth. It’s not a goddamned Miss America wave because you clearly have no aspirations to achieve world peace, as you have demonstrated by getting yourself stuck in the middle of the goddamned intersection. This is a “your hatred is entirely justified, and I am a sprouted potato unfit for human consumption” wave. It’s weak, small, and borderline nonexistent, just like your regard for other human beings.

2. The “Whoopsies” Shrug

You didn’t mean to be in this position. It could happen to anyone, even if they aren’t a literal pile of floor laundry like yourself. So give your best Steve Urkel “Did-I-Do-That” smile, shrug those shoulders as high as physics will allow, and pray that the other drivers who have to deal with your ineptitude offer their forgiveness. You don’t deserve forgiveness by any means, not even from Jesus, but it’s too late now. If ignorance is bliss, you’re the happiest shitgibbon in the middle of the goddamned intersection.

3. Hide

If you’re small enough, slide down into the seat as far as you goddamn can.  You should have just slowed down at that yellow light and waited like a considerate person, but you’re not a considerate person, so just hide. If you’re not small enough to do the sliding technique, get a coat and drape it over your shameful face. You don’t deserve to see the light of day anymore anyway, you absolute spoon. The other drivers will see you looking like a self-loathing turtle, but you won’t have to see the murder in their eyes as they try to get by you. But make sure you get back up or uncover yourself before the next light turns green, otherwise you’ll be in a whole other mess of trouble. I shouldn’t have to tell you that, but you’re stuck in the middle of the goddamned intersection, so here we are.

4. The Double Down

I don’t know what I expected. You don’t feel guilt. You don’t feel anything. Self-driving cars have more courtesy and compassion than you. They would never be sanctimonious enough to wind up in the middle of the GODDAMNED INTERSECTION. I bet you think you’re a fucking martyr, you smug piece of shit. LOOK EVERYONE, IT’S THE FUCKING MESSIAH, COME TO SAVE US ALL FROM A PEACEFUL AND UNEVENTFUL DRIVE HOME. Might as well own it, because what else are you gonna do? You didn’t listen to any of my previous advice anyway, because no one knows more than you, huh, big shot? So when those other drivers pass you by like all the chances you had, but DID NOT TAKE, to be a decent person, smile and blow them a kiss. Give them the thumbs up. Wink and throw them some goddamned finger gun action for all I care.  

You are a living monument to the folly of man’s hubris. I hate you so much.