5 Co-ops For Minneapolis Gays to Meet Their Future Exes
Anybody can have a hot girl summer, including us gays. But with cuffing season around the corner, Minneapolitan queers need not to look in a bar, a dating app or a coffee shop to meet their next beau. Skip your traditional cruising spots and head to your local overpriced grocery store with questionably appropriated incense bundles to meet your next future ex-lover.
1. The Wedge Co-op
This classic co-op is the perfect place to meet a queer cutie who sells upcharged molly to Uptown bros. You’ll exchange Gay Eye Contact while he’s in line for an $8 smoothie. You’ll Facebook-stalk him and see you have 73 mutual friends: confirming his gayness. Unfortunately, things will take a turn for the worse. Even though the sex is great and his tarot card readings are accurate, he will fuck all of your friends and use his birthchart to to justify it.
2. Seward Co-op
This West Bank co op is the perfect place to locate all kinds of queer cuties with funky-pattern button ups and septum piercings. You’ll meet a cute cashier who compliments your “they/them” pronoun button. You fantasize about her perfectly shaggy mullet until you write about it in Twin Cities Missed Queernections. Two days later, you have your first date. Two weeks later, you move in together. Twelve days later, you break up, but your name is on the lease for the next 10 months. Good luck with that one, hope you’re not allergic to cats.
3. Lakewinds Co-op
If you’re ever stuck in Minnetonka for a bar mitzvah or your aunt’s divorce party, slide into the Lakewinds Co op for a Kombucha-pick-me up and to cruise for other cuties who are stuck in the suburbs. You’ll chat up a tattooed gay strolling out with some specialty protein powder and grass-fed beef jerky. He seems cool, but there’s a red flag when he says there’s both sides to every argument. Then you notice he has blue lives matter tattoo. Oh god, he’s actually a cop get the hell out of there.
4. Linden Hills Co op
Chickpea flour cheetos aren’t the only snack you’ll pick up at this cozy co-op. You’ll brush hands reaching for the same vegan chocolate torte and feel a tingle of destiny. You’ll hit it off right away, read The Ethical Slut together, share custody of your balcony plants and decorate your apartment with your favorite Alok Vaid-Menon quotes. It’ll all feel too good to be true until you snoop into their social media and notice you have the same ex, and another same ex and…oh honey you know how this ends.
5. East Side Co op
As you stroll out of this Northeast co-op with your organic cat food, you’ll notice a denim-clad hottie protesting outside of the store. You bravely approach this anti-capitalist cutie and share your stories about getting arrested at Pride and exchange ACAB patches. But as much as a match you may be, this leftist love affair will crumble when you find yourselves as rival producers of DIY poetry slams.
Life is short, so sashay down those produce aisles like you’re meeting your future domestic partner! As John Travolta once said in the incredibly problematic classic Grease, “summer lovin’, had me a blast…”. But alas, like Elio and Oliver in Call Me By Your Name, some gay summer affairs just need to have a predictable yet needlessly dramatic ending (but at least it was fun).