This year’s Basilica Block Party promises to be one of the best yet. Not only will some of the hottest new bands be featured but Pope Francis himself has arranged to allow some of Catholicism’s greatest saints to perform for one night only! Here are the five we’re most looking forward to.
Saint Cecilia, the Patron Saint of Musicians
This is the show Catholics have been waiting for for over 1,800 years. While Cecilia was alive, she was a Roman noblewoman so her sense of style and showmanship is absolutely unmatched. There are rumors she’s bringing some seraphim to do backup vocals so if you’ve committed any major sins lately, you should probably confess if you don’t want to burst into cleansing flames in their presence.
Mary Magdalene with a theremin
Apparently, sometime after her death in the mid first century AD, Mary Magdalene took up the theremin and has been hanging out on a cloud practicing the weird electronic instrument basically ever since. Sometime in the 1300s, Jesus got worried and went over and asked her “what’s this 24/7 theremin playing all about?”. No one knows how she responded but it must’ve been pretty profound because when Jesus went back to his throne, he looked pretty shook up.
Saint Ambrose of Milan, the Patron Saint of Beekeepers
He may seem like an odd choice at first but while alive, Ambrose was one of the best chant writers and performers in the game. He really really hates the heretical sect of ‘Arianism’ though so please refrain from vocally challenging the doctrine of the trinity during his set or he WILL let the swarm of bees that follow him everywhere loose on you.
Saint Bryce, the Patron Saint of Rap Rock
Bryce is the newest saint on this year’s roster. He was only canonized in 2019 after performing his required second posthumous miracle (a band called ‘The Skunk Dicks’ prayed through him and ended up winning the Vancouver Battle of the Bands). He is set to perform his new cover of Linkin Park’s ‘In The End’ which Pope Francis has heard and says is “a really refreshing take on an old classic”.
Saint Medardus, the Patron Saint of Toothaches
Medardus is completely tone-deaf so no one really knows what he’s going to be doing with his stage time but many Catholic theologians believe that knowing him, it’s probably going to be a hokey stand-up routine about how dentists these days are total wusses compared to when he was young. Still, we’re looking forward to his show because he’s definitely the kind of guy who will stick around and heal a few fans’ toothaches afterwards.
Wow! What a lineup! See you there!