Governor Walz Announces Findings that Line 3 is Actually “Good for Women” Somehow

ST. PAUL — In a surprise press conference yesterday, Governor Walz announced that despite the fact that the Enbridge pipeline breaks treaty agreements with the Anishinaabe people and will very likely destroy land and waterways, Line 3 is actually good for women.

“I think it’s actually pretty un-feminist to not recognize just how many jobs WOMEN can take to help continue the construction of Line 3,” Walz began about the project which would absolutely directly and indirectly harm the lives of women living in the White Earth Nation, Red Lake Band of Chippewa and Leech Lake Band of Ojibwe Reservations.

“They will break through the glass ceiling by breaking up the soil where the pipe’s going to…go.” Walz confirmed as he loosened his tie and cleared his throat a little too loudly.

“It will enable more women to buy more gasoline, which will allow them to go further in their cars, driving…driving faster towards equality…” Walz expanded on his previous claim about the benefits of the Enbridge pipeline which will carry hundreds of thousands of gallons of tar sand and crude oil that has and is almost guaranteed to potentially spill into and pollute over 200 bodies of water as construction continues.

When questioned about how his backing on the Enbridge pipeline would go against his past support of cleaner energy resources to stave off the devastating impact of climate change, Walz gripped the podium until his knuckles were white and dropped his head and said nothing for 30 seconds. Lifting his then profusely sweating head, Walz responded, “There’s a special place in H-E-double hockey sticks for women who don’t want other women to make a hard-earned living off of the gas they need!”

After this statement, Walz abruptly left the podium and it was discovered that he’d forgotten to take his notes with him; a crumpled up bit of paper that just said “girls love gas??!????”