Campus Doomsday Preacher Rigorously Training For The Upcoming School Year

Original photo by AlexiusHoratius

MINNEAPOLIS — The academic year has just begun for colleges and universities in the Twin Cities area, and another school year comes with another year of preparation for debating basic human rights with teenagers for local Doomsday preacher, 64-year-old Ronald Wright.

Wright, who has had nothing better to do for the past fourteen years, has established a strict training program to prepare for his fall speaking engagements.

“Each morning after I greet God the Father, I rise and mark an X on my countdown to judgment day calendar,” says Wright. “59 days from today. Do you want to know the Truth, or are you ready to be damned to eternal Hell?”

Wright, who measures his success by counting the number of security monitors it takes to drag him off any given Twin Cities campus, has been following this regimen for years. Wright notes that appearance is a critical success factor for his sermons.

“I am one of the last remaining descendants of Samson. In honor of my ancestors, I prefer to maintain a healthy physique and brush my mane 100 times over,” says Wright, while raking his fingers through his three to four tresses of hair.

“Every day I warm up my vocal chords by gargling salt water for 45 minutes straight, then I start a rigorous series of vocal warmups, where I shout the Lord’s prayer: All of y’all are going to Hell, lest you seek salvation! The heart beats at six weeks!”, explained Wright.

At press time, Wright was spotted limbering up in front of Coffman Memorial Union and pressing play on a boombox playing an audiobook version of the novel Left Behind.