7 Paddle Boarder Pile-Up Brings Lake Traffic to a Standstill


MINNEAPOLIS — Lake Bde Maka Ska experienced deadlock unlike the Uptown neighborhood had ever seen before after seven paddle boarders collided, severely bumming out all waterbound travelers.

The incident occurred late afternoon where temperatures ranged from the mid to upper-seventies causing reckless day-drinking patrons to rush toward the Wheel Fun Rentals kiosk in hopes of securing aquatic transportation in revelry of the pleasant weather. The most popular item rented out being that of the lime green paddleboards unfortunately advertised as an easy-to-learn activity for leisurely beginners.

It was only a matter of time before the swarm of twenty-somethings, bottlenecked underneath the Lake Street bridge.

Onlookers noted that the stranded pilots failed to adhere to proper paddleboarding conduct that was explicitly communicated to them by Wheel Fun Rentals staff. “They were all posing for selfies or trying to spank each other with the paddles during the safety demonstration.” explained manager Kylie Baker.

The ensuing thumps and bumps of paddleboards slamming against each other could be heard from Franklin to West 39th. Just over half a dozen pilots abandoned their flotsam to tread water away from the wreckage, blocking the pathway for oncoming pedal boats, kayaks, and canoes. The gridlock lasted nearly two hours, as any attempts to coordinate a three-point turn were met with ‘I can’t even’ and further selfie-taking.