In what definitely seems like a misguided and doomed deal with the devil, the Science Museum of Minnesota is hoping to increase the average coolness of their child patrons by introducing a new mascot called Dr. AssKicker whose catchphrase is “safety goggles are for nerds!”.
“Dr. AssKicker is a six foot eight genius scientist specializing in experimental volcano surfing and dinosaur sex who plays fast and loose with the laws of science,” said museum executive director Tim Klein, “also he knows every martial art and can light Bunsen burners with his mind.”
Dr. AssKicker, who is married to Lara Croft from Tomb Raider and runs an animal sanctuary for Komodo dragons that are too big and strong to be allowed in the wild, dresses like Neo from the Matrix but with a cowboy hat and a necklace made out of broken thick-rimmed glasses that he takes as trophies from geeks who attempt to “cramp his style”.
The new character will appear in cartoon form in online advertisements and in real life as a costumed actor who travels the halls of the museum reading placards and laughing to himself, saying “I already knew that!” Dr. AssKicker will also occasionally hang out in the parking lot doing wheelies on his dirt bike while slamming Monsters and smoking Red Apple cigarettes, the fictional tobacco brand invented for the film “Kill Bill”.
Some say the new mascot represents the Museum neglecting its stated goal of educating children about the joys of science.
“I don’t see this as a contradiction of principles. Dr. AssKicker loves science, it’s just that he already knows pretty much everything so everyone looks like twerps and nitwits to him,” said museum curator Lydia Frazier, “if you don’t think he respects science, you should see what he does when he finds out someones a flat earther – he flips the f out and mugs them – he literally robs them blind and runs away.”
Dr. AssKicker is but one of several ways the Science Museum is hoping to attract cooler clientele. The Museum is also allowing kids to touch the dinosaur bones, changing the measuring system on all graduated cylinders and beakers from “milliliters” to “buttloads”, and introducing a new musical staircase that says the words “ass” and “damn” when you walk up it.