WASHINGTON, D.C. – Yet another Amy Klobuchar staffer has come forward to defend her amidst accusations that she mistreated her staff. While chained to a radiator for a regular, everyday reason, the Senator’s personal assistant, Dylan Johnston, made the statement in while held in a dark, windowless room that can only be accessed via a rotating bookcase inside Klobuchar’s D.C. office.
“I knew Senator Klobuchar was upset about the rumors because I overheard her talking about it through the wall… in a calm and level-headed way, of course” said Johnston, who made the statement by tying a note to a rat and praying against all hope it’d be found and passed on to a journalist.
“Amy is a great boss! She’s inspired me to be the best I can be” said Johnston. He went on to reassure the press that he’d been handcuffed to a radiator for legitimate reasons he swore were easily explainable. “This room is cold and damp so it’s actually pretty refreshing in this heat” he mused, before adding “It’s still August, right?”
To show just how much he respected Klobuchar as a boss, Johnston pointed to the nearby wall in which he had etched the words “Soy milk is NOT the same as almond milk” over 100 times in a row. “She takes almond milk in her coffee”, he explained, “I know that now”. The staffer had also arranged breadcrumbs in the shape of a face on the concrete floor. He named the face “Amy” and stopped the press conference several times to stare into its eyes and whisper, “I will not fail you this time”.
At press time, Johnston started frantically blinking something in morse code.