The Minnesota Legislature gathered for an emergency meeting at 3 AM last night and overwhelmingly voted to change the State Bird from the common loon to “all common loons except Kevin” but nobody is saying who the hell Kevin is and what he did to deserve this.
Deliberation on the bill lasted less than a minute in the House and consisted solely of Speaker of the House Melissa Hortman (DFL) shaking her head and saying the word “unspeakable”, before it passed unanimously. Discussion lasted longer in the Senate but only because Senator Gene Dornink (GOP) took out his phone and showed the assembly a photograph of what appeared to be an ordinary common loon, said “look at Kevin”, and stood there as the elected officials booed and jeered at it for over 17 minutes.
The only nay vote from either chamber came from Senator Michael P Goggin (GOP), though a close aide of Goggin’s told The Nordly that he only did so because “he instead supports changing the state bird to an entirely different waterfowl species because Kevin’s misdeeds have so thoroughly tarnished the reputation of all loons everywhere.”
Making sure Kevin can no longer call himself a state bird was apparently so urgent that once the bill passed at approximately 3:40 AM, Tim Walz sped from the governor’s mansion to the Capitol so recklessly that he knocked over several mailboxes on the way, arrived wearing nothing but boxer shorts, and signed it with the first writing utensil he could grab, which happened to be a lime green highlighter.
With literally no clues to go on, speculation as to what Kevin did is running rampant. Current theories include that he must have done something racist, that he desecrated an American flag somehow, made a statement supporting Hamas, sold state secrets to North Korea, or that Kevin is just an incredibly off-putting and offensive animal in general.
One sure thing, however, is that The Nordly will let its readers know the moment we learn more about this ongoing story.