MINNEAPOLIS — Hoping to increase the city’s prestige and celebrate his own mayoral accomplishments in the process, Minneapolis Mayor Jacob Frey has announced he is traveling on a diplomatic mission to Paris to find out if the French are still giving out giant copper statues or if that was more of a one time kind of deal.
“If France says yes, I’ve got some really good statue ideas they could use – maybe a cool flaming Phoenix or two bears wrestling where one bear represents racism and one represents unity and the unity one is winning,” said Frey, while trying on several berets in front of a mirror, “but if they want to go with the classic and just send over one of me wearing a cool robe and holding a torch and a book, that’s totally fine too. It’s their decision, after all”
Frey has reportedly drawn up several more detailed statue ideas, several of which involve intricate moving parts like one in which a 700 ft copper robot resembling the Terminator tentatively named “Mr. Minneapolis” is constantly making the “jerk-off motion” and bellowing “suck it, Melvin!” from an internal loudspeaker while facing St. Paul.
According to an official itinerary released online, Mayor Frey is not set to officially meet French president Emmanuel Macron in person but will wander the streets of Paris “asking around for as long as it takes until he gets some answers”.
As for where a massive copper statue would be erected should it turn out the French are still giving them out, Frey says there are several options currently being looked at.
“I was thinking maybe we could use Nicollet Island,” suggested Frey, “or we could probably just bulldoze 38th and Chicago and put it there”.