MINNEAPOLIS — In an effort to streamline their article writing process, the Star Tribune has announced they will be firing their entire staff and replacing them with a single person – Minneapolis police officer Ken Thumb.
“We were mostly just paying a bunch of people to blindly copy and paste police reports anyway,” said Star Tribune Media Company CEO Michael Klingensmith, “so it made sense to cut out the middleman and just let a police officer post whatever he wants on our website all day.”
Thumb, 53, who’s worked for the Minneapolis Police Department for over 25 years and lives in Hudson, Wisconsin, has absolutely no writing experience but will be authoring and editing every single Star Tribune article starting next month. The Star Tribune says Thumb was chosen for the job via a “rigorous process” which involved “sending an intern to the Fifth Precinct and having them ask if anyone wants to write for a newspaper”.
“I am humbled and honored to take on this new responsibility to give accurate and up-to-date reports on stories that matter to Minnesotans such as the drug habits and seedy behavior of people the police have just shot”, said Thumb, “plus as the paper’s only employee, I get the entire break room to myself.”
Thumb added that he also intends to replace the Tribune’s Variety section with a “Blue Bloods Section” where he’ll review his favorite episodes of CBS’s drama Blue Bloods starring Tom Selleck.
The Star Tribune has clarified that although Thumb will be the only full-time employee, they will consider from time to time allowing freelancer Jacob Frey to report on the upcoming mayoral election.