Another One of Gazelka’s Make-Out Parties End in Disaster

Republican Senate Majority Leader Paul Gazelka is coming under fire for allegedly spreading COVID-19 to several GOP staffers as well as two senators during one of his weekly make-out parties.

“Clearly mistakes were made,” Gazelka said from his Florida timeshare where he and his wife are currently quarantining. “In hindsight, it’s clear doing shots of Purell was an ineffective way of sanitizing party goers. Pretty lit though.”

This isn’t the first time Gazelka’s make-out parties have ended in the spread of disease. Readers will remember 2016’s Balls to the Wall Bonding Bill Bash where several members of the GOP contracted mononucleosis. The event led House Minority leader Daudt to miss several days of the 2016 session.

DFL Senate Leader Susan Kent is calling on Gazelka to resign from his position. “It’s just gross and irresponsible,” said Kent who—like all Democrats and nerds—was not invited to the rager. “Gazelka and his cohort have engaged in high-risk behaviors and misled Minnesotans on the risks of the pandemic. The senator should have informed the senate of his party rather than letting us learn about it from Instagram.”

Pictures of the night in question can be found on Gazelka’s Instagram page @glug-zelka. There images of the senator’s night include keg stands, wet t-shirt contests, and a somber reading from Ayn Rand’s The Fountainhead. Eagle-eyed followers of Gazelka’s page spotted a despondent Kent being escorted out of the red, white, and blue foam party.

When asked if he would consider stepping down Gazelka made his position very clear, “I will continue to represent the good people of Gull Lake. My constituents understand that this was a mistake and it will never happen again as long as my dad doesn’t go out of town again.”