Can’t Get Health Insurance? Quit Crying and Check Out This Sick New Police Tank!

“I used to be afraid that without insurance I could get into an accident and be shit out of luck”, said college student Carl Jacobs. “But now I’m just worried about when I’ll be able to see that big ass military-grade police tank I saw the other day again. That shit was awesome!!”


Original Photo By  Eli Christman

Original Photo By Eli Christman

Minneapolis—As COVID-19 cases increase in the state of Minnesota many folks without health insurance are finding themselves more and more at risk for not only catching the virus, but also being left with incredibly high hospital bills.  But the one thing keeping Minnesotan’s spirits afloat is the knowledge that local police departments are receiving all these sick-ass tanks. 

In the last five years, Minnesota law enforcement agencies have received over $40 million in surplus military equipment, roughly the production budget of the 2019 action film Angel Has Fallen

“I used to be afraid that without insurance I could get into an accident and be shit out of luck”, said college student Carl Jacobs. “But now I’m just worried about when I’ll be able to see that big ass military-grade police tank I saw the other day again. That shit was awesome!!”

Critics see this investment in military-grade weaponry as a terrible allocation of funds which could cause some at-risk Minnesotans harm during the pandemic.

“People are literally dying because they don’t have insurance and can’t pay out of pocket for something that should be free to them”, Said community activist Sheryl Denson. “Why do the cops need mine-resistant vehicles? Are the roads minefields? Is that why they’re always doing construction??”

However, Jessica Erickson, a caretaker from Bemidji approves of the excessive police spending. 

“Could this money be used to help underserved communities? Absolutely. Is this a waste of taxpayer dollars? Of course! Are these infrared night vision goggles more important than my great aunt Cathy surviving stage 4 lung cancer? Hell yes, dude, night vision! You can see in the night!!!”

Shortly after being interviewed Jessica’s great aunt Cathy passed away due to complications with lung cancer and was left with a $675,000 hospital bill. Luckily, in her final moments, Cathy witnessed a police officer accidentally launch a grenade which exploded a Kia Sorento.  

“That’s… so fucking cool!” were her final words.